Thursday, May 5, 2011

Being Real

Hi, I don't know most of you but welcome to this rare view into my heart.

The last several months have been trying. While still mourning the loss othe baby wwill never know, I have tgoeveryday just the same. Talking about iseems silly when people consider ia mass ocells, no better than a chicken. For only a few short weeks wwere ilove with that baby whose heart would never beat. That child was a combination of mine and my husbands love, not a blob of tissue. I think I get lower with each passing month that yields a negative test; I want mbaby back! I need ttrust God more. 

ften times, I feealone in the world. I'm surrounded by opposition at every turn. It seems my husband and children are the onlonewho are safe. I am regularly feeling invisible, the odd man outI knopeople don't likme, including some of my own family. My husband says, "whdo you care? We love you". I shouldn't let it bother me, but who enjoys not being liked? It would be so muceasier to "fiin".I knothiwilnever happen. I havchosen a lifthajusdoesn't fit in.

solela woman tryinto make the best of what have; to be able to express my love, beliefs and convictions and raise my girls into, good, honest, loving, carinand godly young womenI feel at times I'm thought of as unloving, uncaring, hateful. It would be nice if everyone saw what my husband and children see. AI bit rough around the edges? Perhaps. However, I LOVE my family and my friends, and would do anything for them. I would lay down my own life for my husband and my children. My loyalty is steadfast. 

Still, I feel attackeon everangle these last femonths. Most recentlan individual has found iamusing to semi-anonymously mock me and theliabout iand cause mintegrity to be questionable in fronomy own family. This makes mhearbreak. I'm not a dishonest person. I'm not a crazy person. I have never done anything malicious to this person. I have feelings. I'm a person too. I have found that those who preach words like equalitand tolerance are not proponents of either one entirely. Rather, they only want others to be toleranof what they believe to be true anright. Causing strife, and attempting to defame someone to theiown family, is plaicallous.

Recently I've found it comforting to stay ulate and read my Bible and cry bmyself. I really need to pull out of this rut. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. It's stupid. What kind of sappy, inadequatwoman am I? Christ suffered so much, morthan I ever will,and here Iam being a weak, lame, baby

Most days are wonderful. hope and pray that I can get past this hard part imy life. I hopthose who feel thneed to pokfun at me will go away. My words don't alwaycome out thway thewere supposed to; this calead to not seeming very smart. I'm pretty sure I've always been above average. I always got put in thossmart classes. *sheepish grin* I can still try to be funny can't I?

Thanks for reading my ridiculous post. I have to be up in 2 hours to fix my husband's lunch and coffee. Good night. And if it's not too much to ask, please say a prayer for me. I really need one.


Danielle said...

Don't ask why I am up just a couple of hours after you wrote this or why the title "Being Real" caught my eye and I had to read it now.
Kimmie, I don't have to be the first to tell you that we don't always agree and that we might have different beliefs. For those of you that don't know me and are reading this... Kimmie is my best friend and someone that I know that I can count on as a "true" friend for nearly the last 20 years of my life. While I can honestly say that we lead very different lives, at the end of the day we are both wives, mothers, daughters... and I know I can lean on her.
Kimmie, you are one amazing woman. From working your way up from admin to a top producing escrow officer. From practically a single working mom to home schooling and creating a healthy home for your family. Everything you do, you do with such dedication, passion, and to perfection. If it isn't jealousy then people are just plain mean. If people can't appreciate that you mean what you say and say what you mean then it is their loss. I am so grateful for your honesty because I never have to guess :) But as we know, some people can't handle it.
I am so sorry that you suffering from the loss of your baby. I can understand your pain completely. Keep you mind and body healthy so that it is ready for the next one!
I am thinking of you.
Thank you for being real, I love you.

Sarah said...

Hey chica. I know how hard it is. Hang in there and you know your reward is in heaven.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Taryn said...

I have found Psalm 119:165 KJ to be helpful-Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them. Today is May 5th- at 10 years old-after school- I walked into my house and found my father had committed suicide(by gun). It was a beautiful day like today. He had lost his Italian restaurant and didn't know the Lord-I remember how sad he was. I had two miscarriages and know that loss as well. The joy of the Lord is your strength(Nehemiah 8:10 KJ).

QuietlyMalcontent said...

You are anything but a "baby." We might be wildly different in a lot of ways, but we are both strong, incredible women. At the end of the day, you are a fantastic mother and amazing woman.

Kimberly said...

Hi Kimmie- I'm new to reading your blog. I too have recently gone through the experience of someone attempting to cause question to my integrity. Only this person was not only a close friend; but the Pastor of the church we were attending {key word: were}. This person was secretly reading my old blog, then reporting what was written to the Elders of the church. After "some time" of them secretly reading and dissecting my posts, we began to receive nasty phone calls and letters, full of mis-quoted Scriptures and sign by a couple of the Elders, sent by the church, demanding a face-to-face meeting to discuss "issues". Which they would not disclose to us, only saying that it would be discussed in this meeting. This person did sucessfully scar my reputation within that church, I started noticing people looking at me strangly, ignoring me etc. These were wives of Elders, Trustees and that Pastor. I could not figure out what I had done! Well, I'd done nothing. I like you, have strong Biblical views on certain topics, and, yes, I did blog about those topics. Apparently this Pastor didn't like that- We never took that meeting. As soon as this Pastor revealed to my husband what he had been doing, my husband revoked our membership to that church. I took down that blog and started a new one- I'm not one that "fit's in" either, that's not who I am.

Dawn said...

Hi Kimmie , I am sorry to hear your going through such a hard time in your life , and I hope you will keep in mind that you will be seeing your baby in heaven someday . I to have family members who hate me , and some very close family members who I have trusted my whole life spread terrible lies about me . I will pray for you , that this will make you even stronger . said...

sounds like we've been through some of the same hell :-) i lost a baby a couple of years ago but i feel like my heart is finally healed over it. I did cry for several years..... Now i have a whole new challenge to heal from. Anyway - love your blog. Saw a comment on another blog by you and related so i thought i would visit!!

Mae R said...

Hey Pretty Lady,

I have never lost a baby, but I have given one up, and from what my counselor told me 15 years ago, the grieving process is very similar.

You say you admire me, and that I am a strong person. Well guess what hun? the feeling is deeply mutual. I know we arent as close as we used to be, but I still consider you one of my best friends.

I recently went through a very emotional situation, where people whom I have known for a long time decided to accuse me of things that ANYONE who knows me, knows I would never do. It involved one of them lying to a child, yet never enlightening anyone else that the child was being told a lie. when the truth came out, I was accused of doing it intentionally to hurt a 13 year old girl. A girl whom I have known since she was 3 and love almost as much as my own children. (the posts today on my FB page where that so-called friend Chad was being a jerk, is tied to this situation). I was so incredibly crushed by the accusations, that I shut myself off for a week. to add that to the past 3 years of being extremely depressed, I sank into such a hole.....I didnt know which way was up, or if I even WANTED to try to get out. Right before my birthday, I did a serious soul search, and asked for guidance. I got it. These two people had been people I had cared for, worried about, and was always there for. One of them even lived with me when they had no where else to go. One I'd carried for 26 years, the other for 16. I realized that I had done, done and done for them, with little to nothng in return. I shed that weight. I scrubbed it off in the shower. Literally. I made peace with losing my Best Friend of 26 years.

But, as you are such a strong capable woman, with an amzing Hubby and loving family, YOU CAN get through this. If you need an extra hand to hold, or just someone to help bring a ray of light when you are down, I am here. I believe in you. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!

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