From Our Babies in Heaven

I found this poem today on a forum I joined. I was having a rough day. I would have been 33 weeks today, and my heart aches for my little one. I hope that God sees fit to allow us another child. I know it's in his hands, but the unknown can be hard sometimes.

A message from our angel babies.......

I have not turned my back on you 
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.

Moving and Stuff

For the last two weeks we have been working every day at our new house getting it ready to move. We have to move this weekend and still have so much to do. Some of the work we were planning on doing before we move is now being put off until after we move. The paint and carpet are now the focus before we move. I have kind of put off packing the mobile home and I probably should have started sooner.

Painting has been a lot more work than I could have imagined. Each of the 3 kid rooms are different colors. The rest of the house and our room is all a taupe color. It's nice. There is A LOT of trim to pain. A whole lot. Last weekend we had some very nice friends come out and help us paint. It was such a blessing. There is no way we would have been able to paint that much with just me and Adam. I have discovered really don't have a steady brush painting hand. haha. I'm pretty good with the roller though. Adam is going every night this week after work to finish the painting.

We sort of slacked on getting carpet ordered. Only the upstairs is carpeted and we need to replace it. We picked out a carpet at Home Depot and they told us it would be 2 weeks before they could put it in and we don't have 2 weeks. We have about 3 days. I called that Empire Today and scheduled an appointment. Their ads sound good. However Adam looked up reviews on Yelp and they were very scary. We decided that it would be a bad idea to buy from them. Yesterday we went to a small family owned business in our new town and the owner was working. He was a very nice man and helped us pick out a similar carpet as the one we liked from HD. His estimate came in about $400 cheaper than HD's and they had it in stock and would install on Friday. It was such a relief. Adam was able to make a business connection with the owner so that was nice. Adam is in the process of remodeling a bathroom for work and the owner of the store is going to order all of the stuff he needs.

Saturday morning bright and early is moving day. I am so excited. I really love our new house and still can't believe it's ours.

On a medical note. I have been getting my blood drawn every 2 days to watch my hormone levels until they reach zero again. This loss has been harder than I could have ever imagined. I struggle with wondering if we made the right choice. I have realized I knew very little about ectopic pregnancies at the time we were in the hospital. My prayer is that the baby was no longer alive when the ultrasound was done. I spoke with a Dr about my concerns and a lot of the factors point to a no longer living baby, which I really hope that was the case. I know as humans we can only do what we can with what we know. I am so thankful for forgiveness in Christ. I hope this feeling of guilt will not stay here with me. Adam said he made the right decision.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers. God has been giving me comfort during this time. It's amazing how the scriptures speak right to your heart. I hope to never have to experience this again. I want so much to have another child. We will wait and see what God has planned for us.

Our Loss: Ectopic Pregnancy

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13

On January 18th around 9:30 pm I began to have very bad cramping. It was painfully intense and it made it very hard to talk or walk. The pain then subsided and I layed down for a while. After about a half hour it started coming in waves of painful then not, and painful again. I woke Adam up around 10:30pm and told him what was going on and I didn't think this was right. Soon after waking him up I felt better and we started to fall asleep again. Within minutes I had severe pain in my left lower side that went all the way around to my back. It was so painful it caused me to get sick. Adam called my mom to come over and stay with the girls so we could go to the emergency room. 

At the ER we were sent quickly to triage, but by then my pain was gone. They took us immediately back to ultrasound. Adam watched the screen as the woman worked. He asked her what she was looking at, and was told that is the uterus. It was empty. She looked around some more and saw the small mass in my left tube. She said that's not supposed to be there and usually you can't even see the tube in an ultrasound. Immediate heartbreak and mourning set in, I am going to lose this child. The ultrasound techs are usually not allowed to tell you anything, but she was very sweet and Adam asked her specifically if that was the baby in my tube and she told him it most likely was. We didn't see a heartbeat and there should have been one.  

I was then moved to a different room and seen by several Dr's and nurses who all needed blood from me.  My blood draw levels were about the rate for a 4 week pregnancy and my beta count was only about 1/3rd of what they should have been for a normal 6 week pregnancy. Adam and I sat there quietly on the hospital bed holding each other with tears in both of our eyes. Seeing him so hurt made me want to try and hold it together as best I could. An ectopic pregnancy was more or less confirmed by all of the factors presented to us.

 We were told this is a life threatening thing. The outcome will be death for the baby no matter what. It is impossible for it to survive in the tube. If the pregnancy were to continue the baby would rupture my tube and I could die within hours of that happening. There is absolutely nothing we could do to save our baby. This is a helpless and unimaginable feeling. Mothers are supposed to protect their children from harm. If there was any other choice available,  I would have have gladly taken that choice.  Adam continued to sit close to me and we just talked about things. We discussed our options even though we knew we had to make the choice that we didn't want to make. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

There only two things to do for this type of pregnancy one is surgery on the tube to remove the pregnancy and possibly the tube too, and two is receiving a shot of a type of chemotherapy drug (Methotrexate) which stops the rapid division of cells and disolves the pregnancy. Because I was within the 6 week pregnancy time, my beta count was very low and my baby didn't have a heartbeat, I was a candidate for the shot. We read over the papers and blood results over and over again to be sure we were making the right decision. We talked with the on call OB for a long time. He was very knowledgeable and easy to talk to. (I do not usually see male OB's but when you are in the ER, you get what they have.) I was really scared about making the wrong decision. We were not pressured at all in any direction. We were given facts and told what our options were. We felt very confident with their medical opinions. Adam even asked the Dr what he would do if it were his wife in the exact same position with the same factors. I prayed a lot that God would lead us to make the right decision. Adam was more in control and rational than I was so I trusted his decision on what was best. This was his child too, but it also is his wife, and I don't think there is anyone who loves me more or would protect me like he would.

I've been doing a bit of research on ectopic pregnancies and have found some discussion forums with women who have gone through them. I was very fortunate to have them discover mine. A majority of women experience a ruptured tube and have to have life saving emergency surgery. I also read that discovering a tubal on an ultrasound like mine, at 6 weeks is rare. It appears that the pain I experienced that led me to the ER had nothing to do with the ectopic pregnancy. I have no idea what it was but that type of pain should have indicated a ruptured tube and mine was still intact. Through this experience, my faith in God has increased seeing his protection over my life. My love and respect for my husband has also increased. He is a wonderful man. Even though he is hurting, he is strong for me and takes such good care of me. He is a true man. I feel a closeness to him that we didn't have before.

I pray that after this is over that we will be able to go on and have another child. I don't think we realized how much we wanted this child until we couldn't have it. I know that when we get to heaven there will be a sweet child there to greet us. I am looking forward to the day we get to meet our baby.

Please pray for us. I have to continue to go in for blood tests every few days for a while to make sure my hormone levels are decreasing.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Our Family is Growing

Baby #6

A  new baby (or babies) is on the way. We are all very excited. I am almost overwhelmed with happiness. It was a big surprise to both of us, although Adam knew before I did. It was all of his suggestions that prompted me to get a test. And to my surprise it was positive. It's still very early, but then again I've never been one of those who can wait very long to tell. So far I feel fantastic except for being more tired than usual. With the twin pregnancies I'm usually already not feeling well. I've calculated my due date to be around September 13th, which is almost exactly a year from the day I had my reversal surgery. 

I'm thinking it's probably just one baby this time. Adam thinks it's twin girls again, since that is what I do. I don't have a lot to report at the moment but I'm sure I'll have more to share very soon.

We are packing and moving this month, so I'm hoping I wont be getting sick. Our new house is awesome. I'll write more about it later. God sure does know us and know what we will need even before we do. Our new home is large enough to welcome this new little one or two, if it  happens to be twins again, and we are so grateful for that.

Have a great weekend.