Monday, March 19, 2012
It's been 18 months since I had my surgery and I thought an update was in order. While it may seem like 18 months has just flown, the time has gone by at a snails pace. Pull up a chair, here's my update.
I'll back up a bit and start at the beginning-ish. I had a tubal ligation done at age 26 after giving birth to my second set of naturally conceived twins. Pregnancy is very hard on my body, though I suppose this is true for 99% of women. It was a long painful pregnancy and I was sure I never, ever wanted to do it again. I do take full responsibility for my own decision and lack of research, however I do think that women under 30 should have better counseling before they are allowed to make such a decision.
Fast forward 3 years later, I was 29 and finally realizing I was experiencing extreme symptoms of PTLS - Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome. I was told my ligation was permanent. I remember a friend of mine had hers reversed. I talked with her, and then it took a full year to convince my husband and get the money together to fly out and have my body put back together.
I don't have full relief from my PTLS symptoms but they are definitely much much better. One of my posts on this can be found here.
3 months after the surgery in December 2010, we conceived our first tubal reversal miracle. This pregnancy sadly ended with the baby in my tube. My husband was very scared for my life and we took a couple of months off of trying. 7 months later, in August 2011, I conceived again. I had a better feeling about this one and did my routine blood beta tests to see if my hormone levels were increasing as they should; they were not. The levels were very slow to rise and as soon as I hit 6 weeks, I started bleeding and miscarried my second tubal reversal miracle.
That brings us to now, March 2012, 18 months after the surgery and 7 months after losing my 2nd little angel. I know it is in God's hands. I feel such a desperate anxiety to have a baby, mostly I want my two lost ones back. I can't describe how much my heart aches for them. I never could have imagined this heartache until going through it. I understand women have suffered through much more than I have, but I can only really relate to what I have experienced. I am so utterly grateful for the children I do have, please don't misunderstand.
I am learning how to not "try" to get pregnant but better how to just, live. When you want something so badly it's very easy to get so wrapped up in it and have it control you. I've spent so much time obsessing over this. It's so wrong, as a friend mentioned recently, it's become an idol. I've turned it into my every thought, action, feeling. I've gone through anger, depression, fear and desperation. I'm slowly emerging from that chaos into a better, more healthy way of thinking, hoping and praying.
My biggest support has come from my husband who always knows the perfect thing to say when I'm down. I have formed some wonderful, internet friendships with other women who have had the same surgery and are on the same journey. Some of them have had a worse experience, and some a very easy one with babies on the way. There are some women who have been told their surgeries have failed and by a miracle are now pregnant.
I want to share the good, bad and ugly of this. I know there is a woman, like myself, who is searching for someone in the same boat. I know there is a woman searching for information to decide if a ligation is best for her. If you're considering one, please do your research. I would strongly urge any woman seeking ligation to reconsider. There are other ways to prevent a pregnancy if you must. If this is you, and you want to talk, please feel free to leave a comment with your email and I will not publish it. I can also put you in touch with some very wonderful women who can help you with our decision.
Having said all this, I wouldn't change the reversal for anything. It made me complete again. I know God can overcome anything and if he wants for us to have more children, we are eagerly awaiting his blessing.