Two years ago today, September 15th 2010, I had my tubal ligation reversed. It has been a very long two years with no babies yet to show for this surgery. I really had naive expectations that I would just become pregnant and that would be that. However, this is just not so. In December 2010, just 3 months after the surgery, I conceived, our due date was set for September 15, 2011, wasn't that just perfect! We were very surprised to be expecting as we had not really been trying. That pregnancy ended as an ectopic pregnancy a few weeks later. This absolutely shattered me. That loss still hurts me and I assume it always will.
It took us 7 more months to become pregnant again. August 28, 2011 we found out and were a little nervous be excited, too. Sadly on September 15, 2011 (see a pattern here?) I miscarried. This was just as devastating. I went into a depression with an obsession to become pregnant again, I put on 30 pounds in the process. It used to be so easy for me to have babies, I can't believe it is now so hard.
I blogged a few months ago about having a procedure done to check the status of my tubes. One appeared to be fine and the other appeared blocked. In May, a month after this procedure, I had several positive pregnancy tests but then began bleeding shortly after that. I didn't even have enough time to inform my Dr.
I gave up trying and obsessing and started changing my eating and exercise habits. I had resolved myself to the fact that another child is just not in God's plan for us. For the last 3 months I have focused on my health and weight. My journey to lose 50 pounds was interrupted last Sunday when I discovered I am pregnant yet again. Adam and I were thrilled, surely this one has to work out. Perhaps my depression and obsession was preventing me from becoming pregnant.
I went in to the lab on Wednesday to have blood drawn to check my progesterone and hcg beta. The beta came back great 124 for 4w2d, but they didn't test the progesterone like they were supposed to, this is what I was more concerned with. Low progesterone can be the cause of early pregnancy loss. I went back on Thursday for the progesterone draw and they checked the hcg again. It didn't increase very much, only to 139. My heart is shattered again, it should be increasing more than that. My progesterone was at a scary 7.9, it should be closer to 20. All signs point to losing this pregnancy, too. I'll be 5 weeks along on Monday, and am now on progesterone supplements twice a day. I don't know if this will save my baby or not, but my faith is hopeful. I am trusting God that he knows what he is doing. It's hard still, I just want my baby. This is hard on me and Adam as well. The kids are upset and I'm sure the few family members we've told are sad as well.
I have tubal reversal friends who have had babies with no problems, others who are similar to me - with several unexplained losses and then ones who haven't been able to conceive at all. I'm desperate for your prayers, that God would allow us to keep this sweet child.
I have another blood draw on Monday. I'm praying for a miracle.
I haven't told a lot of my family (just parents) and I'm not sure if any of them ever read my blog. I hated having to call everyone before to tell them we lost our first baby, I can't do that again.
If you're a family member, and read this, please don't take it personal that we haven't told you. We are trying save ourselves form all of the, "I'm Sorry-ies" It's hard to hear. I'm writing here because I need some outlet. This waiting is enough to drive anyone crazy. I just want to be able to see a little heartbeat on the ultrasound. That would make me so happy.
Update to follow after my tests on Monday.