and the Lord hath taken away

.................the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21b

Yesterday the loss of the baby started. I thought I was prepared for this again; I knew it was coming. But I was still holding on to some hope that it could still work out. Seeing the evidence that the loss had begun threw me into reality. I had horrible contractions this morning. It did not hurt like this last time. I had to take something for the pain because it was so intense. I'm feeling a little better with the medicine but it's still quite painful. I'm hoping this doesn't go on for too long. 

I had a sobbing crying breakdown this morning. I want to understand what is going on with my body and why this keeps happening. I am going to continue on with my organic diet and weight loss quest, but am planning on putting forth a greater effort to eliminate all GMO's from my diet. I watched a documentary on the GMO foods and studies have been done on rats and mice and they have lost fertility after consuming GMO foods. I think I was able to finally conceive again because of the organic diet and health choices I have been making. 

Why am I blogging about this? Because I have spent a lot of time searching for and reading about other women's experiences with Tubal Reversal and trying to conceive afterward. I am often encouraged by others' experiences. I hope that somehow these posts may be helpful for a woman experiencing the same as me and she will feel like she is not alone. I also do hope to update someday soon with the delightful news that we have overcome the TR challenges and have a healthy baby on the way. 

I am planning on starting a diet aimed more toward fertility hormone healing also. I don't think it is just coincidences that all 3 losses happened at exactly 5 weeks and 6 days gestation. There is something either hormonal wrong with me or there is something effecting the health of my eggs. 

I have appreciated your prayers and the kind words I've received. I'm hoping my emotional recovery will be minimal this time around. I can't decide whether this is getting easier each time, or harder. 

Update

Update from yesterdays post found here.

My Dr called a little while ago with the result of my blood tests today. My beta numbers went from 139 on Thursday to only 186 today. They are supposed to double every 48-72 hours, but mine are doubling at a rate of every 9.51 days.

The Dr is going to keep up with 48 hour blood draws because she's worried about ectopic pregnancy again.

For now, I continue to wait until the pregnancy miscarries.

I appreciate the prayers, and hopefully next time will have a better outcome.

-Kimmie

The Frustrating Side of Tubal Reversals

Two years ago today, September 15th 2010, I had my tubal ligation reversed. It has been a very long two years with no babies yet to show for this surgery. I really had naive expectations that I would just become pregnant and that would be that. However, this is just not so. In December 2010, just 3 months after the surgery, I conceived, our due date was set for September 15, 2011, wasn't that just perfect! We were very surprised to be expecting as we had not really been trying. That pregnancy ended as an ectopic pregnancy a few weeks later. This absolutely shattered me. That loss still hurts me and I assume it always will.

It took us 7 more months to become pregnant again. August 28, 2011 we found out and were a little nervous be excited, too. Sadly on September 15, 2011 (see a pattern here?) I miscarried. This was just as devastating. I went into a depression with an obsession to become pregnant again, I put on 30 pounds in the process. It used to be so easy for me to have babies, I can't believe it is now so hard.

I blogged a few months ago about having a procedure done to check the status of my tubes. One appeared to be fine and the other appeared blocked. In May, a month after this procedure, I had several positive pregnancy tests but then began bleeding shortly after that. I didn't even have enough time to inform my Dr.

I gave up trying and obsessing and started changing my eating and exercise habits. I had resolved myself to the fact that another child is just not in God's plan for us. For the last 3 months I have focused on my health and weight. My journey to lose 50 pounds was interrupted last Sunday when I discovered I am pregnant yet again. Adam and I were thrilled, surely this one has to work out. Perhaps my depression and obsession was preventing me from becoming pregnant.

I went in to the lab on Wednesday to have blood drawn to check my progesterone and hcg beta. The beta came back great 124 for 4w2d, but they didn't test the progesterone like they were supposed to, this is what I was more concerned with. Low progesterone can be the cause of early pregnancy loss. I went back on Thursday for the progesterone draw and they checked the hcg again. It didn't increase very much, only to 139. My heart is shattered again, it should be increasing more than that. My progesterone was at a scary 7.9, it should be closer to 20. All signs point to losing this pregnancy, too. I'll be 5 weeks along on Monday, and am now on progesterone supplements twice a day. I don't know if this will save my baby or not, but my faith is hopeful. I am trusting God that he knows what he is doing. It's hard still, I just want my baby. This is hard on me and Adam as well. The kids are upset and I'm sure the few family members we've told are sad as well.

I have tubal reversal friends who have had babies with no problems, others who are similar to me - with several unexplained losses and then ones who haven't been able to conceive at all. I'm desperate for your prayers, that God would allow us to keep this sweet child.

I have another blood draw on Monday. I'm praying for a miracle.

I haven't told a lot of my family (just parents) and I'm not sure if any of them ever read my blog. I hated having to call everyone before to tell them we lost our first baby, I can't do that again.

If you're a family member, and read this, please don't take it personal that we haven't told you. We are trying save ourselves form all of the, "I'm Sorry-ies" It's hard to hear. I'm writing here because I need some outlet. This waiting is enough to drive anyone crazy. I just want to be able to see a little heartbeat on the ultrasound. That would make me so happy.

Update to follow after my tests on Monday.

HSG finished. Tubal Reversal Related

Yesterday I went in for a dreaded hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to check the state of my tubes. Since I've had two losses in 14 months I was concerned about blocked tubes, which is a possibility after a reversal. Scar tissue can build back up and cause the repaired tube to block making it impossible to become pregnant. 


I have been dreading this test. I have convinced myself that my tubes were blocked and that my surgery was a big waste. It seems like I've been on this journey for so long. It's not just the 18 months since having it, but also the entire year before that while I prayed and researched and had it on my mind. I was so filled with anxiety and fear. I helped calm myself, I said my favorite scripture over and over during the process. "What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee" Psalm 56:3


The HSG is a series of xray pictures done while iodine dye is pushed through the uterus into the Fallopian tubes to see if it will spill out the end into the abdomen. Oh man, OUCH!! It HURT, a lot. I was told it hurts so I was prepared but still, I'm not real big on pain. The radiologist pushed the dye through and it was really neat to see on screen, the dye freely and quickly flowed through my right tube and out the other end beautifully. When it was time for the left tube the dye wouldn't flow through. It was determined that it was blocked. This is the tube that my ectopic pregnancy was in, so it could very well be blocked from that baby. Another possibility is that the tube spasmed shut; this is very common with HSG and a lot of women are told their tubes are blocked when they actually are not. I received a call a few hours before the procedure from Dr. Rogers my reversal surgeon. I was so surprised by this, she didn't know I was having he procedure and she called to see how things were going. She told me my tubes don't like dye and that they spasm badly when dye is pushed through. I was glad to know this. So it's a big possibility that my left tube is not actually blocked. 


I am happy with the results. One tube is all you need and I'm hoping my HSG did a good roto-rooter job on my tubes. It seems extremely common to become pregnant right after HSG because the dye flushes out anything that may be causing a problem. Perhaps I'll be back updating with good news in the next few months. 


Another friend who has had a TR was told her only tube was blocked and that her surgery was a failure. She did some research on natural ways to unblock tubes. It took her several months but she is now pregnant and expecting a sweet little boy. This is very inspiring and I have been doing the same things she had done for a while now. I hope this will help my left tube. 


At the end of the day, I know this is in God's hands. If he wants us to have a child, we will. I do hope it's in his plan for us. I really feel it is. Through all my prayer he paved the way to make this possible. Our bodies are imperfect and I messed mine up. I know he is greater than this and can heal my body. I honestly feel like someone is missing from our family, and I look forward to meeting her/him. 

Tubal Reversal Surgery Update

It's been 18 months since I had my surgery and I thought an update was in order.  While it may seem like 18 months has just flown, the time has gone by at a snails pace. Pull up a chair, here's my update.

I'll back up a bit and start at the beginning-ish. I had a tubal ligation done at age 26 after giving birth to my second set of naturally conceived twins. Pregnancy is very hard on my body, though I suppose this is true for 99% of women. It was a long painful pregnancy and I was sure I never, ever wanted to do it again. I do take full responsibility for my own decision and lack of research, however I do think that women under 30 should have better counseling before they are allowed to make such a decision.

Fast forward 3 years later, I was 29 and finally realizing I was experiencing extreme symptoms of PTLS - Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome. I was told my ligation was permanent. I remember a friend of mine had hers reversed. I talked with her, and then it took a full year to convince my husband and get the money together to fly out and have my body put back together.

I don't have full relief from my PTLS symptoms but they are definitely much much better. One of my posts on this can be found here.

3 months after the surgery in December 2010, we conceived our first tubal reversal miracle. This pregnancy sadly ended with the baby in my tube. My husband was very scared for my life and we took a couple of months off of trying. 7 months later, in August 2011, I conceived again. I had a better feeling about this one and did my routine blood beta tests to see if my hormone levels were increasing as they should; they were not. The levels were very slow to rise and as soon as I hit 6 weeks, I started bleeding and miscarried my second tubal reversal miracle.

That brings us to now, March 2012, 18 months after the surgery and 7 months after losing my 2nd little angel. I know it is in God's hands. I feel such a desperate anxiety to have a baby, mostly I want my two lost ones back. I can't describe how much my heart aches for them. I never could have imagined this heartache until going through it. I understand women have suffered through much more than I have, but I can only really relate to what I have experienced. I am so utterly grateful for the children I do have, please don't misunderstand.

I am learning how to not "try" to get pregnant but better how to just, live. When you want something so badly it's very easy to get so wrapped up in it and have it control you. I've spent so much time obsessing over this. It's so wrong, as a friend mentioned recently, it's become an idol. I've turned it into my every thought, action, feeling. I've gone through anger, depression, fear and desperation. I'm slowly emerging from that chaos into a better, more healthy way of thinking, hoping and praying.

My biggest support has come from my husband who always knows the perfect thing to say when I'm down. I have formed some wonderful, internet friendships with other women who have had the same surgery and are on the same journey. Some of them have had a worse experience, and some a very easy one with babies on the way. There are some women who have been told their surgeries have failed and by a miracle are now pregnant.

I want to share the good, bad and ugly of this. I know there is a woman, like myself, who is searching for someone in the same boat. I know there is a woman searching for information to decide if a ligation is best for her. If you're considering one, please do your research. I would strongly urge any woman seeking ligation to reconsider. There are other ways to prevent a pregnancy if you must. If this is you, and you want to talk, please feel free to leave a comment with your email and I will not publish it. I can also put you in touch with some very wonderful women who can help you with our decision.

Having said all this, I wouldn't change the reversal for anything. It made me complete again. I know God can overcome anything and if he wants for us to have more children, we are eagerly awaiting his blessing.

From Our Babies in Heaven

I found this poem today on a forum I joined. I was having a rough day. I would have been 33 weeks today, and my heart aches for my little one. I hope that God sees fit to allow us another child. I know it's in his hands, but the unknown can be hard sometimes.

A message from our angel babies.......

I have not turned my back on you 
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.

Moving and Stuff

For the last two weeks we have been working every day at our new house getting it ready to move. We have to move this weekend and still have so much to do. Some of the work we were planning on doing before we move is now being put off until after we move. The paint and carpet are now the focus before we move. I have kind of put off packing the mobile home and I probably should have started sooner.

Painting has been a lot more work than I could have imagined. Each of the 3 kid rooms are different colors. The rest of the house and our room is all a taupe color. It's nice. There is A LOT of trim to pain. A whole lot. Last weekend we had some very nice friends come out and help us paint. It was such a blessing. There is no way we would have been able to paint that much with just me and Adam. I have discovered really don't have a steady brush painting hand. haha. I'm pretty good with the roller though. Adam is going every night this week after work to finish the painting.

We sort of slacked on getting carpet ordered. Only the upstairs is carpeted and we need to replace it. We picked out a carpet at Home Depot and they told us it would be 2 weeks before they could put it in and we don't have 2 weeks. We have about 3 days. I called that Empire Today and scheduled an appointment. Their ads sound good. However Adam looked up reviews on Yelp and they were very scary. We decided that it would be a bad idea to buy from them. Yesterday we went to a small family owned business in our new town and the owner was working. He was a very nice man and helped us pick out a similar carpet as the one we liked from HD. His estimate came in about $400 cheaper than HD's and they had it in stock and would install on Friday. It was such a relief. Adam was able to make a business connection with the owner so that was nice. Adam is in the process of remodeling a bathroom for work and the owner of the store is going to order all of the stuff he needs.

Saturday morning bright and early is moving day. I am so excited. I really love our new house and still can't believe it's ours.

On a medical note. I have been getting my blood drawn every 2 days to watch my hormone levels until they reach zero again. This loss has been harder than I could have ever imagined. I struggle with wondering if we made the right choice. I have realized I knew very little about ectopic pregnancies at the time we were in the hospital. My prayer is that the baby was no longer alive when the ultrasound was done. I spoke with a Dr about my concerns and a lot of the factors point to a no longer living baby, which I really hope that was the case. I know as humans we can only do what we can with what we know. I am so thankful for forgiveness in Christ. I hope this feeling of guilt will not stay here with me. Adam said he made the right decision.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers. God has been giving me comfort during this time. It's amazing how the scriptures speak right to your heart. I hope to never have to experience this again. I want so much to have another child. We will wait and see what God has planned for us.

Our Loss: Ectopic Pregnancy

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13

On January 18th around 9:30 pm I began to have very bad cramping. It was painfully intense and it made it very hard to talk or walk. The pain then subsided and I layed down for a while. After about a half hour it started coming in waves of painful then not, and painful again. I woke Adam up around 10:30pm and told him what was going on and I didn't think this was right. Soon after waking him up I felt better and we started to fall asleep again. Within minutes I had severe pain in my left lower side that went all the way around to my back. It was so painful it caused me to get sick. Adam called my mom to come over and stay with the girls so we could go to the emergency room. 

At the ER we were sent quickly to triage, but by then my pain was gone. They took us immediately back to ultrasound. Adam watched the screen as the woman worked. He asked her what she was looking at, and was told that is the uterus. It was empty. She looked around some more and saw the small mass in my left tube. She said that's not supposed to be there and usually you can't even see the tube in an ultrasound. Immediate heartbreak and mourning set in, I am going to lose this child. The ultrasound techs are usually not allowed to tell you anything, but she was very sweet and Adam asked her specifically if that was the baby in my tube and she told him it most likely was. We didn't see a heartbeat and there should have been one.  

I was then moved to a different room and seen by several Dr's and nurses who all needed blood from me.  My blood draw levels were about the rate for a 4 week pregnancy and my beta count was only about 1/3rd of what they should have been for a normal 6 week pregnancy. Adam and I sat there quietly on the hospital bed holding each other with tears in both of our eyes. Seeing him so hurt made me want to try and hold it together as best I could. An ectopic pregnancy was more or less confirmed by all of the factors presented to us.

 We were told this is a life threatening thing. The outcome will be death for the baby no matter what. It is impossible for it to survive in the tube. If the pregnancy were to continue the baby would rupture my tube and I could die within hours of that happening. There is absolutely nothing we could do to save our baby. This is a helpless and unimaginable feeling. Mothers are supposed to protect their children from harm. If there was any other choice available,  I would have have gladly taken that choice.  Adam continued to sit close to me and we just talked about things. We discussed our options even though we knew we had to make the choice that we didn't want to make. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

There only two things to do for this type of pregnancy one is surgery on the tube to remove the pregnancy and possibly the tube too, and two is receiving a shot of a type of chemotherapy drug (Methotrexate) which stops the rapid division of cells and disolves the pregnancy. Because I was within the 6 week pregnancy time, my beta count was very low and my baby didn't have a heartbeat, I was a candidate for the shot. We read over the papers and blood results over and over again to be sure we were making the right decision. We talked with the on call OB for a long time. He was very knowledgeable and easy to talk to. (I do not usually see male OB's but when you are in the ER, you get what they have.) I was really scared about making the wrong decision. We were not pressured at all in any direction. We were given facts and told what our options were. We felt very confident with their medical opinions. Adam even asked the Dr what he would do if it were his wife in the exact same position with the same factors. I prayed a lot that God would lead us to make the right decision. Adam was more in control and rational than I was so I trusted his decision on what was best. This was his child too, but it also is his wife, and I don't think there is anyone who loves me more or would protect me like he would.

I've been doing a bit of research on ectopic pregnancies and have found some discussion forums with women who have gone through them. I was very fortunate to have them discover mine. A majority of women experience a ruptured tube and have to have life saving emergency surgery. I also read that discovering a tubal on an ultrasound like mine, at 6 weeks is rare. It appears that the pain I experienced that led me to the ER had nothing to do with the ectopic pregnancy. I have no idea what it was but that type of pain should have indicated a ruptured tube and mine was still intact. Through this experience, my faith in God has increased seeing his protection over my life. My love and respect for my husband has also increased. He is a wonderful man. Even though he is hurting, he is strong for me and takes such good care of me. He is a true man. I feel a closeness to him that we didn't have before.

I pray that after this is over that we will be able to go on and have another child. I don't think we realized how much we wanted this child until we couldn't have it. I know that when we get to heaven there will be a sweet child there to greet us. I am looking forward to the day we get to meet our baby.

Please pray for us. I have to continue to go in for blood tests every few days for a while to make sure my hormone levels are decreasing.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Our Family is Growing

Baby #6

A  new baby (or babies) is on the way. We are all very excited. I am almost overwhelmed with happiness. It was a big surprise to both of us, although Adam knew before I did. It was all of his suggestions that prompted me to get a test. And to my surprise it was positive. It's still very early, but then again I've never been one of those who can wait very long to tell. So far I feel fantastic except for being more tired than usual. With the twin pregnancies I'm usually already not feeling well. I've calculated my due date to be around September 13th, which is almost exactly a year from the day I had my reversal surgery. 

I'm thinking it's probably just one baby this time. Adam thinks it's twin girls again, since that is what I do. I don't have a lot to report at the moment but I'm sure I'll have more to share very soon.

We are packing and moving this month, so I'm hoping I wont be getting sick. Our new house is awesome. I'll write more about it later. God sure does know us and know what we will need even before we do. Our new home is large enough to welcome this new little one or two, if it  happens to be twins again, and we are so grateful for that.

Have a great weekend.

October Updates

We have had a lot going on and I have been away from blogging. I'm always coming up with blogs to write in my head but when I get ready to write them down I forget what it was I wanted to say. Here are some quick updates about what we have been and are doing. Now that I am not on Facebook, I'm hoping my family will find it easy enough to pop on over here to see what's going on.

House/Moving: We have moved into our temporary home. We had to move out of our other house because it sold. Everyone had a really hard time saying goodbye. We spent the last 6 1/2 years of our lives calling that little place home. For the little girls, that has been there only home. They took moving the hardest. It was unreal the day we moved all of our stuff out. It didn't seem like it was really happening. I know God has another plan for us, but saying goodbye to the home that held so many memories was difficult. It was a nice place to live, the neighbors were all wonderful. The kids were able to play outside with a bunch of other kids anytime without worry. Still, we really had a hard time living in such cramped quarters.

Our new temporary place is  a small place that belongs to a family at our church.  They were gracious enough to allow us to move in and "house sit" for a very little monthly.  They are planning on selling it right away, but offered it to us for as long as it takes us to find and buy a new home. It is SUCH a blessing. We are still able to save money while we are staying here. If we were renting a house we wouldn't be able to save. Renting here right now is more expensive than the mortgage payment on home.  We did lose a bedroom, but gained a bathroom. We only had 1 bathroom before and now there are two. This has been like a dream. It's funny though the kids still line up outside the bathroom door and wait. They have to be reminded there is another bathroom, they're not used to it yet. We have managed to make it very cozy, and comfy. We continue to go out every week and search for a home to buy. We did put an offer in on one house, but it was not accepted. That was a bummer for sure. Last night we saw a couple we liked, and hopefully will get a chance to see some more this week.

I am working on a Moving blog post, about my new moving system. It proved to be such a help and made it a lot easier. I'm so excited to share. I'm hoping to have that up later this week.

 Julia and Emily: Julia was the most excited to move at first so I was surprised when she had the hardest time. On the Monday after we moved, she was very upset and had a breakdown when Adam tried to leave for work that morning. He made arrangements to take the day off and he stayed home with her. I had a lot of running around to do with the older girls that day, so he was able to spend a lot of alone time with her. It was exactly what she needed. The next day she was back to her normal self and was okay when Adam left for work. The sweet little baby girl needed her Daddy. Whoever says kids don't need full time dads are doing serious injustice to their children. Everyday I see my children needing their daddy. Each day when he gets home he has a bunch of happy jumping screaming little girls to greet him at the door. Julia is very sensitive to attention from her dad. She wants  it and she needs it. He is so amazing with them, he loves giving his girls attention. He always tells them that he's going to love them so much that they wont need to run out looking for some stupid boy to love them. They will be protected and loved and able to wait for the man God has for them. It makes my heart melt to see him love them so much.

Emily has surprised us a lot with how well she is recognizing words and facts. I have not yet taught them to read. Most of it is intimidation on my part. They are very sharp little girls and I'm sure can pick it up quickly. So far I have an Abeka phonics book that I picked up at a rummage sale and we are working on short vowels. We are also doing sight words. Emily is a firecracker. She is a riot. She thinks she knows so much and likes to try to argue with me about things which she doesn't know. She LOVES learning and is very good at memorizing. When she needs to be taught about something she did wrong, I show her in the Bible what she did and what it says about it. She can retain the scriptures amazingly well. She also enjoys helping me cook and sew. I am embroidering some flour sack kitchen towels and she is right there next to me pulling the needle up and learning how to do stitches. She's very patient and eager to learn.

August and Kiley: They will be turning 12 next month, where does the time go? They are such wonderful young ladies. So sweet and loving. They have big hearts for God and are such a blessing to Adam and me. They are now in the 3rd month of 7th grade and doing very well. We are settling into homeschooling and loving every minute of it. We pulled out of public school last year to homeschool and haven't looked back since. For two weeks following my surgery and the moving, we didn't get much school work done. I was pretty stressed about it. We meet with an Education Specialist at our Charter School ever 20 days. They check the work, and ask if we need anything. They purchase supplies and text books if we need it. During our meeting with her last week I was worried she thought we did too little. The opposite was true actually. She was impressed with the quality of their work and how thorough they were. She said that she was surprised they do so much. I was so relieved. They do take a lot of different classes. In the 4H alone they are taking 11 different projects, along with the normal school subjects, and music lessons.

They are both in their 5th year of playing soccer. I was a soccer player as a kid and so I just automatically signed them up. They enjoy playing the sport. This year Kiley has been the goalie, while this is heart wrenching for me to watch those girls kick balls hard and fast at my child, she is really good at it. She is a phenomenal goalie. August has been the teams center halfback. This is a tiring position, but since she is very skilled and VERY fast she does well at this position. I don't know if I've seen too many children run as fast as she can, she almost like a bolt of lightning. When she was in public school she was the 2nd fastest in the whole school. Only 1 boy was faster than her. The soccer keeps them busier. It is only for a few months a year and then we don't play any more sports.

I am nearly 4 weeks (tomorrow) post surgery. At first the recovery seemed horrible but it has gotten a lot better. I still am not feeling 100% but each day it gets better. They give 4-6 weeks for recovery  so I'm still within that time frame. We did our move during the 2nd week of recovery. This was good and bad. The good was that I didn't have to lift any boxes or move one thing. I was able to sit on my little bar stool and direct traffic. The bad was I wasn't able to lift any boxes or move anything. This sort of made it difficult to unpack. The older girls were a big help though and we are pretty much all unpacked. We are not unpacking everything since we will be moving again in the next few months.

I have discovered a love for embroidery. I have been doing 30's style bonnet girls (like the one in the link) on the edge of flour sack cloths to use for dishtowels. Each of the girls picked out a girl for me to embroider so I also embroiders that girls name onto the towel. I'm trying to find a website who has a good bulk deal. I originally got them for the airplane to Tennessee and am really enjoying them. I'll take some pictures soon.

Me: My most recent change has been deactivating my Facebook account. I really have in the past enjoyed Facebook. I like being able to see photos and updates about loved ones who live far away, as well as old friends from school. I'm taking an indefinite break. I found myself constantly checking it from my phone and sitting down on the computer during the day. I would sit down to do something else on the computer and end  up on Facebook for an  hour. It has gotten out of hand. Sometimes it's best not to know as much about your family members. Facebook can get very personal. This was my only connection to some people and I hope they aren't offended by my hasty deletion of my account. Hopefully they will remember my blog and come here. This morning when I woke up I reached for my phone to check my FB, and I realized I had a problem. It's not okay when it's the first thing on your mind in the morning. So for now, I'm giving it up. I am not setting a time frame but as time passes I'm sure I will no longer have a desire to go on there. It has been such a time waster lately.

I'm getting ready to start gathering all of my handmade projects for Christmas. We are on a very tight budget this year, since we are buying a house so I am going to make a lot of the gifts for others. I wanted to make the book slings in the Family Fun magazine. I have also been wanting to make the little girls duvet covers out of vintage sheets or fabric, but I'm having such a hard time finding something I like. This will most likely wait until their 5th birthday. I was thinking of making all of the girls pillowcases with embroidery. So much to do so little time. I absolutely love vintage or Victorian style fabrics and linens. I wish I could decorate my whole house in a vintage style, but that would get pretty expensive.

I also just joined Swagbucks.com, and I'm still trying to figure it out. If anyone has any tips, I would love some help.

Adam: We finally have him back in the evenings now. For a couple of months he was building 2 bathrooms at our Pators house and he would be there all night after he finished at his regular job. It was hard not having him around most nights for dinner and the like. He was really missing the time with the family. A lot of the time he has side jobs after work and I know he is exhausted. He works so hard to take care of us. His birthday is this month and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to get him. I'm going to bake his favorite dessert and cook a yummy dinner for him. He doesn't really care too much about gifts so I think just the family being around will be nice. We celebrated with his family over the weekend, and that was nice.

His mom is from Germany and I have been meaning to ask her about German type traditions. I would like to incorporate that into the kids lives. I should try out some German dishes maybe? She had a very nice family gathering for Adam and his brothers birthdays. The dates are close together so we did them at once. His parents are such wonderful people. I lucked out in the in-law department. They were there all day the day we moved helping and moving and working. They come out every weekend to watch the kids sports. I love having family all around. I feel sad for those who don't have that.
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I'm hoping to be able to blog more now that I am not spending so much time doing time wasting things online. I'm hoping to be able to spend my morning alone time to blog a couple of days a week.

From Tubal Ligation to Reversal - My Journey to end the Nightmare

There are several message boards set up for Tubal Reversals. It's more common than one may think. I never even realized it was possible. When I was at the end of a very tiring and long 2nd twin pregnancy, permanent sterilization sounded like a dream. I would have even paid them to rip out all my insides and throw them away at that point.

 I'm sure most women who just gave birth, never ever want to do that again. That may be even more so for a 26 year old unmarried woman who just gave birth to her 2nd set of spontaneous twins. In fact the day I found out they were twins I asked to be put at the top of the tube tying list. The entire time I was pregnant I said, "I'm getting my tubes tied when this is over." I delivered via c-section and had the tubal done at that time. I remember them asking "are you sure?" an I answered with a very certain and happy "YES I'M VERY SURE". I figured that was that. I NEVER researched it. Not once. This is very unlike me.

The babies daddy and I were married 2 months later. Here we were the parents of 5 little girls. Life got back to normal. Over the last 4 1/2 years after the tubal, my life, nearly half of the time is a living hell. It's gotten worse as the years have gone on.

Every month I am overcome with some of the worst feelings of depression, anger and rage. It's almost impossible to control. I've damaged and lost several family and friend relationships because of not being able to control this horrible demon. I think unless you experience it, it's very difficult to understand. A few innocent people were subject to the horrible me, and actually stuck around and forgave me. God love them. My poor husband has received the brunt of it, and still continues to love me unconditionally. Thank God for him or I think I would have lost all hope.

Why are you telling us all of this? Because some of you have seen it. Lived through it. Stopped talking to me because of it. Or, simply need to be informed about it. PTLS or Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome, is what it is called. It's not just emotional. It also has caused extreme changes physically

The next few paragraphs may be sort of graphic, but not disgusting as I describe symptoms. Just be warned.

I never had bad cramping before the tubal, but since then I have to take heavy pain killers every month to get through the first 2/3 days of each cycle. Where a normal cycle would last 3 to 5 days, they now last 7 or more. They were light before, and extremely heavy after the tubal. Despite eating healthy and exercising, I can't lose weight. I was never heavy before. I am about 40 pounds heavier than I have ever  been in my life and it keeps going up, never down. My hair on my head falls out, and some even grows in strange places on my face. I have insomnia, chronic fatigue, anxiety and dizziness. My skin is horrible. It used to be very nice. There are other problems pertaining to married life, but for the sake of modesty I'm not going into those. If you are a concerned woman and really need to know, you can send me a private comment and I can talk to you. This is all very embarrassing to put out there, but I hope I can help at least one woman not make the same mistake as I have.

My marriage is wonderful most of the month, but once the hell part starts I feel sorry for my poor husband. Bless his wonderful heart, he still loves me. He a true example of "for better or worse".

I started to research my symptoms. I asked Dr.s and was told I was depressed, or I had something called PMDD. The solution, was drugs. Anti-depressants and birth control pills. I didn't want either of those. That's why I had my tubes tied in the first place because birth control pills didn't agree with me, and I couldn't bear to think that perhaps one of my eggs was being fertilized and then aborted each month.

A while ago, my children asked if we could start going to church. I found our wonderful church and the kids and I got saved and became Christans. We slowly have morphed into our new life and we love it. After this change, I had even more desire to fix this post tubal nightmare.

At some point I discovered PTLS, and diagnosed myself as having this. It had to be this. I just wasn't the same as I was before the tubal. I've always been a little dramatic, but never psychotic. I found message boards with other women suffering from the same symptoms since having a tubal done. When I told my husband about it, he thought I was nuts. I told him I wanted my tubal reversed and he laughed. It did start out as just talking, but after about a year of talking about it, he realized I was serious.

I prayed and asked God to work on his heart, and I asked God to show me what His will was regarding this operation through Adams decision. When Adam said, "If that's what you think you need to do, do it." I almost cried. I was and am sure the reversal will help me to be put back to normal. Almost instantly the money was provided and the trip was scheduled. I have read testimony upon testimony about women who had PTLS then a reversal and were relieved of the symptoms and returned to normal. My quality of life is so depressing since the tubal, that the reversal is worth trying.

Last week I had my reversal. While it's still too soon to know anything, I already feel "different" maybe better. I feel relaxed and calm. I am still in pain from the surgery and have several more weeks of recovery ahead of me. I know I'm not much of a writer, but this is going to be one of my topics as I go through this journey. Something that has encompassed my life like this has, should be made known to other women.

The "world" doesn't want women to have more than 2 children. They will talk you into tying your tubes after your 2nd child. Don't believe me? One of my close girlfriends, just delivered her 2nd child via c-section. They asked her to have her tubes tied while they performed her surgery. Her answer to them was, "No way, you guys ruined Kimmie." Tubals are very popular. It sounds awesome too, if you don't want more kids and don't want to worry about BC. It needs to have a huge BUYER BEWARE, sticker attached to it.  

When you alter your body to do something other than what God has created it to do, you run into problems. Of course there are women who don't run into problems like PTLS. But many of them end up with hysterectomy's years following their tubals. I know 3 such women and one of them is still in her 30's.

If you are in a similar boat and want to have a reversal, do it. Save the money and do it. Here is the wonderful Dr who did mine, Dr. Lisa Rogers at the Jackson Clinic.

Psalm 127:3 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

Surgery in Tennessee

After I had the little twins, 4 1/2 years ago I had a tubal ligation (tubes tied). It was a very hasty, un-researched decision. Since having this done, I have, what I feel is extreme PTLS. It took me a few years to figure out what was wrong with me. Many in the medical field do not think that PTLS is an actual problem. The treatment for it right now is antidepressants, birth control pills or a tubal reversal. The tubal reversal is not covered by insurance. PTLS is like living in a nightmare half of every month. It's one of the worst things you could imagine. I'm sure I've managed to ruin several relationships during the last 4 years because of this, and the extreme emotional psychosis it seems to cause.

About a year and a half ago I started to research the tubal reversal. I quickly learned in my state that it costs about $10,000 out of pocket for the procedure. There is no way I would ever be able to afford that. I have a friend who had a reversal done about 6-7 years ago. She told me about her Dr. and it sounded fabulous, the only thing is, I'd have to travel to Tennessee. After a little more research, I decided this was where I was going to go. I prayed a lot, since we didn't have the $6,000 or so I would need for this trip. The money was provided for me quite quickly. The power of prayer is amazing.

Last month I scheduled the appointment with Dr. Lisa Rogers at the Jackson Clinic. She took over for retired Dr. John Carlin who was a very successful Tubal Reversal Dr. The more I learned about her the more I knew this is where I was supposed to go. I was unable to find any other female Dr.s, or any others in this country who had such a low fee. She is the lowest in the entire country. She is a Christian pro-life Dr. and belongs to the American Association of Pro-Life Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the Baptist Medical and Dental Fellowship.

Last Monday 9/13 my mother and I flew to Nashville, TN, and then drove another 2 hours to Jackson, where the hospital was.

My mom, in the waiting room at the Dr's office

The hospital

Me 2 days after surgery, in the rocking chair. The pain meds made it hard to open my eyes. Everywhere you went there were wooden rocking chairs to sit in. It was so cute.

More rocking chairs

Being in Tennessee was like a trip to another world. Everyone was so friendly and hospitable. It was so clean there, and the roads were nice. It seemed like all the people were dressed nice, and we didn't see junky cars. It was a very happy place. It had that family feel to it. Truthfully, I didn't want to leave, and if I could, I would move there tomorrow. There were more churches than Starbucks. At the hospital there were Bibles and devotional books in the waiting room instead of gossip magazines.

I was even more impressed with the Dr.s when I heard them praying with their patients before surgery. My Dr. even made accommodations to have only females in the operating room with me. She came to my bed before the operation and held my hand and prayed with me. It was the most wonderful hospital experience I've ever had.

The surgery took about 2 hours and then I had to recover for an hour before they would let my mom come in. For those who are going to send nasty comments about "where was your husband". I preferred my mother to come with me. He wanted to go, but sometimes a girl just needs her mom. Anyway, they had a bit of trouble getting my pain under control after I woke up, it really really hurt. I was surprised it hurt so much. They do a 4 inch incision across the bottom of your abdomen. It's no walk in the park. I was able to go back to our hotel that night after the pain was controlled. We stayed in Jackson for 2 more days and then flew back home on Friday. I got wheel chair service at the airport, which was sorta neat. We got to board the plane first.

We saw this man and his dog on a Harley, they both had helmets. It was really funny.

It's been almost a week now and I'm still moving very slow. I still have to rest a lot. My older girls have been angles helping take care of the house and the younger girls during the day. My husband has been a saint cooking dinners and serving me meals in bed. I'm a little restless not being able to do much. I still have to take the pain meds so I can't drive anywhere. I'm hoping by next week I'll be able to be semi-normal. I wont be able to help us move since I can't lift anything. I guess I'll be the director. ha ha.

Beautiful Tennessee

I wish I would have felt better so I could have seen more in Tennessee. I would love to go back someday and see more.

Me with Dr. Rogers after surgery

Now my hope is that everything will go back to normal the way God made me. I hope my PTLS symptoms will disappear and I can become human again. Thanks for your prayers.